Texas Democrats have finally found their savior, and he’s literally a seminarian. James Talarico, a 36-year-old Harvard-educated Presbyterian seminary student and state representative, just won the Democratic primary for U.S. Senate in Texas. His plan to end a 37-year Democratic losing streak is straightforward: explain to Texans that Jesus was a radical feminist socialist who would have enthusiastically voted for the Green New Deal.
You genuinely cannot make this stuff up.
Talarico shot to national fame when he showed up at a Texas House committee hearing to inform everyone that modern science “obviously recognizes that there are many more than two biological sexes — in fact, there are six.” This is not what modern science recognizes. But it got him on Joe Rogan, which got him 20 million new fans, which got him $2.5 million in donations, which got him a Senate nomination in the reddest big state in America.
The system works!
His theological positions are something to behold. God, according to Talarico, is non-binary. Jesus was “a radical feminist.” The Virgin Mary’s encounter with the Angel Gabriel was essentially a consent negotiation — which obviously proves the Bible supports abortion rights. Paul’s letter to the Galatians is “pretty woke for the first century.”
And the Gospel of Thomas — a second-century Gnostic text that the early church read, rejected, and specifically left out of the Bible — is apparently fair game as a source document for a Senate campaign.
To be clear: the early church said no to the Gospel of Thomas. They thought about it and passed. James Talarico looked at their decision and said, “This is the good stuff.”
His campaign launch speech set the tone. “2,000 years ago,” he declared, “that barefoot rabbi walked into the seat of power and flipped over the tables of injustice.” He’s referring to the money changers in the Temple — a story about desecrating a house of worship — which Talarico has repackaged as a metaphor for progressive tax policy.
“It’s time to start flipping tables,” he told supporters clutching “Love thy Neighbor” signs.
The money changers probably didn’t see it that way either.
The critics at *First Things* described what Talarico is selling as “a Christianity evacuated of its doctrinal substance and refilled with the priorities of the Democratic National Committee.” That’s the charitable version. The less charitable version is that he took the Bible, crossed out the parts he didn’t like, and wrote “DNC Platform (2024 Edition)” on the cover.
Now, about that Texas strategy.
White evangelicals make up roughly a quarter of the Texas electorate. They broke 90% for Donald Trump in November. Talarico’s plan to win them over apparently involves telling them that their God is non-binary, their religion is actually socialism, and that if they disagree, they’ve turned Jesus into a “gun-toting, gay-bashing, science-denying, money-loving, fear-mongering fascist.”
Brilliant outreach. Truly.
He’ll face either incumbent John Cornyn or Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton in November, which should go just great for him. The last time a Democrat won a Texas Senate seat without the power of incumbency was 1970. In 1970, the average American home cost $26,000 and the Beatles were still technically a band.
Beto O’Rourke — considered the strongest Texas Democrat in a generation, with a famous Irish nickname and $80 million in his war chest — still lost to Ted Cruz by 215,000 votes. Talarico’s theory is that what Beto was missing was more sermons about non-binary theology and a TikTok account.
*Time* magazine noted that the Democratic Party’s weekend obsession with Talarico — “a relatively unknown figure who represents about 200,000 people in a deep-blue district” — “shows the extent of their desperation.” They had just failed to stop Trump’s tax and spending package and needed something to feel good about.
A viral seminarian in cowboy boots stamped with the Texas House seal was apparently it.
He did once play Danny Zuko in *Grease*, which is honestly the most Texas thing about him.
Look, we wish James Talarico all the best. Any political party willing to nominate a Harvard seminary student who campaigns on rejected Gnostic gospels is a party that has genuinely made peace with losing. Texas hasn’t sent a Democrat to the Senate in nearly four decades. They’re not going to start because a guy in Lucchese boots told them God asked Mary for her consent before the Annunciation.
The tables Talarico wants to flip are in Texas. Texas is going to send him home.
—